If you don’t know Dr. John Gottman and you want to improve the quality of your marriage, get to know him and his practical books. Below is a short article from his organization on how happy couples argue. As you read it, see what principles you can apply to your relationship. Sometimes the simplest truths make the biggest impact.
Enjoy!
http://www.truth-code.com/2016/03/10-ways-that-happy-couples-argue.html?m=1
Ok. It’s been waaaay too long since I posted something. I am not trying to be neglectful of my blog. In fact, I have been working on a post for the last four weeks that I thought would be easy to write. Maybe you know the feeling. You see a truth you had never seen before and ideas for a post fly around the brain like unfettered popcorn.
But when you see sit down to write, the article will not develop. You attack it from as many angles as you can: humorous, honest, theological, apologetic, casual…. None of them work. You want the world to know what you have discovered. You want it to change their lives as much as it is changing yours. So, in your zeal, you break the cardinal rule of writing and share your truth verbally with people. Surprisingly, this works. You find that you can articulate the truth out loud, but when you sit down to write again…nothing comes. For a while, you consider making the post a vlog. Not an original idea, but perhaps it will allow you to at least share what you wanted to say.
Then you realize you have no idea how to post that to WordPress. So, you go back to writing.
Still, the article frustrates you like continually buffering wifi signal. You almost give up but decide that it’s a matter of principle now. You are going to figure this post out if it kills you.
You feel guilty that you haven’t posted anything in a month, and begin to wonder if you can use any of your past writings to cover the gap while you continue to work. Then you run across an old devotional that you had written for your church half a decade ago. It’s short but poignant. It speaks to only one of the issues holding you back with the original article, but it is worth sharing, nonetheless.
So, consider this my apology for being so quiet lately. I hope you like the devotional below as much as I enjoyed writing it years ago.
I’ll be back later with the other article. I cannot give up. I will not lose.
Enjoy:
“Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48)
When God becomes the ruler by which we measure our perfection, our entire perspective changes. We suddenly realize that all of our rationalizations for good behavior have failed us, and our efforts to succeed without God are useless. Our sinful self condemned us to God’s judgment, and it cannot, on its own, rescue us from judgment. There must be a death to self that occurs. We need the life of Christ to inhabit us so that we may become like Him. Unless we submit ourselves to God by sacrificing our lives for God we will never succeed in our striving to be like God.
Throughout scripture we are told to pursue wisdom and to ask for it. But Proverbs 10 goes a little deeper and gives us a comparison/contrast between the person who is wise and the one who is foolish.
|
Wisdom/Righteousness |
Foolishness/Wickedness |
| Brings joy to the Father | Brings grief to Mother |
| Delivers from death | Ill-gotten treasures are of no value |
| God does not let go hungry | God thwarts their cravings |
| Diligent yields wealth | Laziness yields poverty |
| Gathers crops at proper time | Sleeps during the harvest (disgraceful) |
| Blessings crown their head | Violence overwhelms their mouth |
| Their memory is a blessing | The name will rot |
| Accepts commands | Comes to ruin |
| Walks securely due to integrity | Takes crooked paths and is found out, causes grief |
| Mouth is a fountain of life | Violence overwhelms their mouth |
| Love covers over all wrongs | Hatred stirs up dissensions |
| Discerning | Lacks judgment |
| Stores up knowledge | Mouth invites ruin |
| Wages bring them life | Income brings them punishment |
| Heeds discipline and shows the way to life | Ignores correction and leads others astray |
| Holds his tongue | Conceals his hatred, lying lips, spreads slander, uses lots of words |
| Tongue is choice silver | Heart is of little value |
| Lips nourish many | Die for lack of judgment |
| Delights in wisdom | Finds pleasure in evil conduct |
| Given what he desires | Overtaken by what he dreads |
| Stands firm forever | Swept away by the storm |
| Fears the Lord, long life | Years cut short |
| Their prospect is joy | Their hope comes to nothing |
| The way of the Lord is a refuge | The way of the Lord is a ruin |
| Will never be uprooted | Will not remain in the land |
| Mouth brings forth wisdom | Perverse tongue will be cut out |
| Lips know what is fitting | Mouth knows only what is perverse |
Now, instead of asking yourself which column best describes you, ask God to reveal to you the true state of your heart and how you may develop and display His wisdom in your life.
For all of the single people out there here are a few bullet points for how to choose a mate wisely. Continue reading
“Marriage is work.” Have you ever heard that statement before? You probably have, and if you are like many people, your visceral reaction to that little, three-word sentence is “Ugh.” The reason? The word “work” conjures up images of hard labor, calloused hands, low pay, unappreciation, long nights at the office, deadlines, unreasonable expectations, performance reviews, lazy coworkers who shuffle their load onto your desk, and a boss who just loves to micromanage. Who wants a marriage like that?
Instead, we want a marriage where we are excited to be together. Where it may be tough, but we know we can survive the trials of life because we support and encourage each other. We plan together, solve together, laugh together, and argue together. We take dates, raise children, take vacations, bury loved ones, and discover how to help each other accomplish their dreams. We realize that yes, marriage is difficult. It is not easy to navigate situations with someone raised completely different than you. There are responsibilities, and you must take intentional effort to nurture the relationship, but for the most part, marriage is not about the tasks you do. It’s about the person you are with.
So, let me ask you: Which way do you think about your marriage? Or your partner?
Are you keeping your head down, avoiding each other, just trying to make it through the day without any huge conflicts along the way? Or are you looking up, smiling at each other, taking joy in being with the one person who is both your best friend and your true love?
If you are the former, here are some tips that may help put some fun back in your marriage:
I don’t know if you’re like me or not, but sometimes when I read the Bible I skim across the words. At other times, I have to back up my eyes and make sure I read that right while a brief inner dialogue ensues.
“Moses approached the thick darkness where God was”?
Ummmm. Say again? God was…where?
In the darkness.
Ok. Wait…just, stop. That can’t be right.
Why not?
Well, um…BECAUSE!
Oh, that’s brilliant.
No. I mean, God is a god of light. He came to shine light in the darkness. He is the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He even encourages us to shine our light in the darkness to be more like Him.
So?
Sooooo, what’s He doing in the darkness?
The thick darkness.
The what?
The thick darkness. The verse says God was in the thick darkness.
No, it doesn’t.
Yes. It does. Go back and read it again.
…Well, I’ll be….
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Ahem. Sorry. Well, what the…I mean, how in the … Ummm, what’s God doing in the thick darkness? That just makes no sense.
Sure it does. You remember Psalm 139, don’t you?
The one about being fearfully and wonderfully made?
Yes, but not that part. Above that. Go read that real quick.
Ok. Hold on …. “Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.”
You get it now?
Um, I think so. But let’s just say I need to talk this one out loud.
(Geez, you’re dense)
HEY! I can still hear you, you know!
Oh. Sorry. Look, it’s all there, especially in verse 11 and 12. Read those again.
“11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.” …Yeah. So?
Sooo, God is a God of the light AND the darkness. In fact, if you look closely, you’ll see that darkness is not dark to God….
OH! I see it! And the darkness is as light when I am with God! HE is the God of my good AND my bad. He is the light no matter where He is, even when the darkness covers me and my life is full of nothing but night!
So, where is God?
In the thick darkness. He is there if I lose my job, or my family, or go bankrupt, or am despised by everyone. No matter how dark it gets, God is there.
That’s right. And you know what’s really cool about this verse?
What’s that?
God was waiting for Moses in the thick darkness. Before Moses ever entered, God was already there.
Um. Wait. What?…Can you say that again?
I am surrounded by suffering. But it’s okay. After 20 years of living this way, people expect it of me. It’s what I do. The good news is most of the suffering that enters my life is not my own, but I do invite the suffering to enter my life. Continue reading
You’ve probably heard it all your life. Your parents say it. Your teachers say it. Heck, even your coaches may say it. You’ve heard it so many times, you’re probably sick of it, and even though you think you know what it means, I’m betting that you don’t.
So, as you transition from adolescence to adulthood, I’m going to give you what no one ever gave me, but everyone expected me to understand. Continue reading
I dream
I tell myself I want to
I tell myself I can’t
I dream
I suck on a lollipop of fear
until the cardboard stick
shreds within my mouth
I spit it out.
I quit.
I dream
Thanksgiving couldn’t have come at a better time. I still have to go to work on Monday and Tuesday, but after that I have five glorious days of publicly sanctioned absence from work. It’s time for a break. I can feel it.
It has been almost twenty years that I have been in my career as a therapist and over that time I have realized that at least twice a year I get to a point where I begin to feel burned out. The struggles of other people overwhelm me. The frustration of people wanting help but not working in between sessions to change their lives mounts. And self-doubt begins to creep in as I perform my biannual ritual of self-reflection and wonder if there is a better, more systematic way of communicating how to effect change in a person’s life or marriage.
This is one of those times.
There is truth, I know, in the old joke that it only takes one therapist to change a light bulb, but the light bulb has to want to change. But it doesn’t make it any easier when week after week people come in and have the same struggles in the same ways with the same people, despite us agreeing one to two weeks ago about they need to, and are willing, to do differently. In moments like that, I feel as if the therapist-client relationship looks a lot like this:
But instead of walking away or mentally checking out, I take a deep breath and try to restate the healthy way of living — AGAIN — in a new way. A way that I hope will finally, this time, resonate with the person sitting across from me and motivate them to move towards change.
Sometimes that means I have to get firm; sometimes I give an analogy; sometimes I take an empathetic approach; or if the client is completely recalcitrant, I fire them. (Yes, you can do that as a counselor.) I give them referrals, if they desire it, but I make it clear that I cannot help them any longer and what they will need to do, if they decide to continue counseling with someone else. Fortunately, it doesn’t usually come to that.
That is why I am most thankful this year for…
a break.
I am tired of people coming to me, asking for my guidance, and then not making the conscientious, deliberate effort to change. I don’t think I have all the answers to the problems that walk through my door. That would be arrogant. But I do think that if you have dedicated yourself to taking the time off of work to come to a place where you discuss the darkest areas of your life with a stranger, because you believe that stranger has some professional level of expertise that can help you, then at least do what the professional suggests. And if you don’t know how to implement the suggestions, ask.
It’s okay.
Really.
We won’t think you’re stupid or look down on you because you don’t understand the process. As in your career, there are terms within therapy that come with an underlying set of assumptions, ideas, or behaviors. We therapists understand this subtext automatically (because we’re in the field) but clients often do not. For instance, when we say “communicate,” we do not mean “just sit down and talk to each other nicely.” There is more to it than that. Make sure you understand so you can go practice the skills effectively. And if it is too overwhelming, if it’s too much information to remember to do all at once, tell us. We will tailor it so you can handle it piece by piece.
I can’t speak for all therapists, but as for me, I believe in my clients. I want to treat them like adults. I do not want to play judge/jury between you and your spouse. I understand, even if you don’t, that you do not need help resolving the weed in your life, but the roots of the weed instead. In other words, I am not here to resolve your situation, but to help you resolve the emotions fueling your behavior/situation. I am here to help you think about things in a fresh way, but I also trust you to be an adult.
This means:
If you can do this on your end, I promise to do this on my end. Then maybe both of us can have something new to be thankful for at this time next year.
living in the tent 