“Genuine love is always self-forgetfulness in the true sense of the word. But if we are to have it, our old man must die with all his virtues and qualities, and this can only be done where the disciple forgets self and clings solely to Christ.” — Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship.

I understand this quote in the context of love of God, but when I view it through the lens of love of others it sheds new light on a familiar topic. It shows me that as I love my wife, my kids, my mother, or anyone else, I cannot rely on any qualities and virtues that are not founded in Christ. Any teaching of the world regarding love must be abandoned because the world’s version of love is primarily self-love. It may disguise itself as selflessness or sacrificial but its true nature is revealed when one’s heart or mind amends the act with a private “so that….”

So that…you may view me better.

So that…you may treat me nicer.

So that…you may respect me more.

So that… you may meet my needs in return.

So that…you won’t leave me, hurt me, abuse me, or abandon me. So that you will love me, honor me, and make me #1 in your life.

“So that” love isn’t really about me loving you at all. Instead, it is about self-protection and self-exaltation.

In contrast, loving unconditionally also means loving without expectation. It is loving without compensation or reward. Loving unconditionally is loving in a pure, undefiled manner. It is not a “so that” love. It is a “because” love. A love that takes its cue from the nature of love and not from the potential effects of being loving.

Because love acts selflessly, I act selfless.

Because love is sacrificial, I sacrifice.

Because love serves, I serve.

Because love is patient, kind, forgiving, humble, gentle, good-humored, and benevolent, I respond in the same way.

Loving unconditionally reflects the nature of love without boundaries. But it never reflects that nature for the benefit of self. In so doing it creates an opportunity to have the recipient of your love return it to you in like manner…but it loves regardless if this love is reciprocated or not.

In other words, God loved us without stipulation, expectation, or compensation. Christ would have still gone to the cross, and died for our sins, even if none of mankind had accepted his free gift of grace, because love could not be love in any other way. As the scripture says, “In this is love…that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” (1 Jn. 4:10) But man did receive this grace, and consequently we learned what love was FROM God and learned how to love BECAUSE of God. Thus, we read: “We love because he first loved us.” (1 Jn. 4:19)